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Politically Correct Greetings For Any Occasion

Wimps", a guide to politically correct greetings for all occasions!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS ARE FOR WIMPS

Now that we're fully in festival mode, we need to be politically correct and not offend our leftist friends and relatives when in greeting mode. Here are some suggested greetings for all occasions:

Martin Luther King day? Let's just call it "A certain holiday in January"

New Year's Day= "A certain holiday associated with sports on television". Acceptable greeting: "Happy Corporate Media Exploitation Of the Masses Day"

Memorial Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ and RV's". Acceptable greeting: "Happy three day weekend! Pass the bong."

Independence Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ, RV's and blowing up stuff". Acceptable greeting: See Memorial Day

Labor Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ and RV's". Acceptable greeting: "Workers Of The World, Unite"

Columbus Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ and sailing ships". Acceptable Greeting: (Federal Employees Only- "Happy dead rich white guy who engaged in genocide but who cares we got another paid holiday." Can also be spoken as "HDRWGWEIGBWCWGAPH"

Veterans Day= "A holiday associated with troops we don't really support." Acceptable Greeting: See Memorial Day.

Thanksgiving Day= " a holiday associated with BBQ Turkey and beer" Acceptable Greeting: None required. Keep eating. (Disclaimer: Tofurkey eaters may use Columbus Day Acceptable Greeting, but only after reaching consensus with their cell or cadre.)

Christmas Day= "a holiday associated with holidays." Acceptable Greeting: "I hate crosses and I don't celebrate Christmas."

Birthdays will need to be abolished because they are so age-centric..And it would be too difficult to think up 260 million Acceptable Greetings.

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Smashing The Inner Bah Humbug

I just hadn't been feeling the Christmas "feeling". I wasn't feeling the "Christmas Jones". Traffic was getting worse. Stores were getting more crowded- even the grocery departments!

Our church's Christmas program last weekend was--if I may be blunt--messy, too complicated, and lacking in focus. I loved the singing children at the beginning, but the main presentation and sermon was.. . let's just say when it all ended, my first thought was "what the. . .?" My attitude was descending faster than a mountain biker who just took a header down a rocky slope. Christmas? Bah Humbug.

The Mrs. must have picked up on my crabby vibe. Because last Sunday night, she recommended a visit to a Live Nativity staffed by the combined efforts two local churches. Both Churches get together annually to present live scenes of the life of Jesus, from birth through crucifixion and resurrection.

So we went Sunday night. It was raining. Hard. We were prepared and wore our rain gear. But it was very wet. and cold. The Live Nativity was low-key but powerful in its imagery. No bad "churchy" over-acting (you know what I mean). Just silent, still, but very much alive scenes. The every day humdrum slowly drifted away with each scene. Congested traffic and crowded stores were forgotten. In the silence. In the rain.

Afterward, we gladly accepted an invitation to join others inside the church to warm ourselves with wassail and pleasant conversation.

The bah-humbug frustration of the busy, rushed, crowded Christmas season failed to visit me this week, although I have driven through busy streets and shopped in crowded stores. Streets and stores can have their version of Christmas. I like mine better.
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What Happened To Tammy Faye's Heritage USA?

A while ago, I found a great site with a pictorial tour of the current condition (2004-ish) of Heritage USA. The theme park began its decline and demise twenty years ago. Read the history and see the results of twenty years of neglect here.
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Work 4 Years, Take 5th Year As Vacation

Work 4 Years, Take 5th Year As Vacation

From Australia's National Nine News: "Trouble retaining good employees has led a major Australian bank to offer a "work four years, take the fifth as a paid holiday" plan. St George Bank announced the deal yesterday, which is aimed at young workers who want to take time off for travel or university."
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The Great Aluminum Conspiracy!

The Great Aluminum Conspiracy!!

Forget about the 9/11 conspiracy! Here's a REAL conspiracy bandwagon to jump on!
In response to an article, "Jacob's Creek Goes Fully Screwcap" at decanter.com, aluminum biochem expert Chris Exley of Keele University suggested an "aluminum conspiracy".

In his online response, Exley wrote,
"It is no surprise that one of Australia's largest producers of wine is converting to aluminium screw caps. Within the developed world Australia is one of the last great strongholds of the International Aluminium Industry, an industry with immense lobbying power both within the Australian government and within the Australian wine writers fraternity."

"Congratulations once again to the aluminium industry. They will succeed in bringing yet another product to market which has not undergone any independent assessment of its potential danger to human health. Drinking any beverage from any container which uses aluminium in its packaging will result in some of that aluminium contaminating the product and hence contaminating the brain of the consumer. Drinking wine which is stored under aluminium screw caps will put aluminium into your brain. . ."

Meanwhile, in another part of the internetosphere, responding to a post on, of all things, "John Travolta Sues His Own Airport", a reader posted, "Well, fortunately and thanks to lots of diligent netsters and sim pilots,
the (aluminum conspiracy) backlash is coming. For example the Alcoa/Reynolds Aluminum factory
next to Troutdale Airport has been destroyed. FIGHT THE POWER!

Great conspiracy stuff. It just smacks of the truth, doesn't it? Definitely something Rosie O'Donnell, Janeane Garafolo, and Portland Indymedia can sink their teeth into.
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Government: Moral Center of The Community?

Government is the Moral Center of the Community?

I attended the annual League of Oregon Cities conference in Eugene a few months ago. It was very informative. I met quite a few nice people. I also won a nifty coffee mug.

After going to a few seminars and listening to endless conversations in the hospitality rooms after the regular day sessions, I discovered how to decipher the meaning of political speech. It goes something like this:

I'm an elected official. The other guy is just a politician.

I am passionate about my cause because it comes from the heart. The other guy is just trying to advance his personal political agenda.

I oppose the other side's position in the spirit of meaningful dissent in the marketplace of ideas. The other guy is engaging in hate speech.

But the best quote of the day came from keynote speaker Bill Grace from Seattle's Center for Ethical Leadership. I'm not making this up. Are you ready? Here it is:

"Government is the moral center of the community".


oooohhkaay........ I did not know that. . .

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